Five things heating January up
It's cold and the Beckhams are fighting
There’s a winter storm advisory threatening to shut down half of the country this weekend. Tbh, I wasn’t concerned until I saw Ted Cruz getting on a plane.
Where ya goin, Ted? You need to hop on a hamster wheel and power this grid.
1. Heated Rivalry
If you’re watching this show, fine. If you’re watching this show and posting about yourself watching it on social media—unsubscribe from this substack. Put my blog in the fucking trash.
This gay hockey “porn” has become the flex that no one asked for. It has become the virtue signalling vehicle de jour for woke people who hate all of the following shit, but would rather die before admitting it:
themselves
other woke people
tom’s of maine deodorant
kamala harris
$9 farmers market radishes
listening to npr
Somehow, watching this show has turned into a public declaration of moral alignment. And it’s not enough to watch it. You have to be seen watching it.
Evidently, acceptance is no longer a value; it’s a post. And while I did achieve a dangerously low ACT score, I’m deeply skeptical that Instagram stories are doing the heavy lifting here.
I say this as someone who loves Bernie and votes accordingly: this is not activism. This is television. And the posts surrounding it are less ‘I enjoyed this’ and more ‘please notice what kind of person I am.’
It feels like the left and right do whatever they can to piss each other off. Like everyone announcing they watch gay hockey porn is going to upset everyone announcing they’re boycotting Disney for the sixth time.
Is it possible to one day live in a world where both sides aren’t actively trying to incite hate crimes against each other? Where there are more options than whatever this is:
And whatever this is:
Or between whatever this is:
And whatever this is:
Announcing that you’re watching Heated Rivalry doesn’t make you interesting. These are the same people who made sure everyone knew they were watching Glee.
Watching a gang of reformed Disney Channel stars break into Motley Crue remixes after the third period isn’t edgy or shocking the same way watching softcore gay porn on HBO isn’t edgy or shocking.
If you want to be progressive, post about watching men.com at 3 am. Or better yet, something that ends in ‘.ru’ and ruins your browser. Now THAT’S the kind of shit I want to hear about.
2. Golden Globes
After watching the National Figure Skating Championships, I didn’t bother with the Golden Globes. Nothing at that awards show was going to compete with Ilia Malinin and Andrew Torgashev back-flipping their way to Milan in leotards. So I went to bed.
Nonetheless, here are my top three observations:
Sean Penn ripping cowboy killers:
Glenn Powell still brings his parents to award shows. This is not a personality or charming. This is someone who cycles through girlfriends despite looking like an extra from Pixar’s Ratatouille.
Leo brings his mother because he’s been doing it since he was a toddler. Glenn brings his parents because a focus group told him it plays well in Middle America. Fuck you, Glenn.
Mark Ruffalo is the realest of the real. The best of the best. An incredible human in every capacity. God bless you, Mark. MARK RUFFALO FOREVER + EVER + EVER + EVER.
FWIW, viewership might increase if all acceptance speeches went like this:
3. Winter Olympics
The Winter Olympics start February 6 in Milan–Cortina, a place everyone will pretend to know something about for exactly two weeks.
Which is fine, as the Olympics turn me into not only a super fan, but a coach to the elite. Sports I ignore for four straight years suddenly become matters of national importance.
I become the kind of person who says things like ‘he rushed that landing’ with absolutely no idea what I’m talking about.
I love the Olympics. I don’t know what it is about watching a bunch of strangers play sports I don’t give a shit about any other time of year, but I can’t wait.
In the meantime, you can read my summary of the 2024 Summer Olympics here.
4. Beckham family crisis
A lot is going on in the world right now that accentuates the nonsensicalness of this, but sometimes, that’s exactly when this type of masterpiece theatre is needed.
For those too busy lying on filing their taxes, and/or my mom (an avid and possibly only reader of this blog), there’s been a lot of shit going down in the Beckham family.
Their eldest son, Brooklyn, cut off communication from his parents, the hot soccer guy and the Spice Girl, and for months, there’s been speculation about why, until now, with Brooklyn putting every super sleuth in the comments section to the back of the unemployment line by formally releasing a letter addressing his decision to un-spice up his life.
Brooklyn said this was 100% necessary and the right move as Posh Spice continued to sit in the driveway of his marital home with her headlights off, softly chanting this hymn in an attempt to lure him back to the Beckham residence, where she could properly breastfeed him in private. I’m joking!
He said this family IS OVER before slam-dunking it in the trash and shouting “Kobe!” because Posh stole the show at his wedding to Ricola Nicola Peltz by hijacking their first dance.
I don’t know if this is true (or who the fuck his wife is—does anyone??), but I do know that if my Mom hijacked the first dance at my wedding, my ChatGPT would burn through whatever fossil fuels are left in this country searching for the largest Edible Arrangement possible to send to her.
When you wake up to yet another outbreak of adult acne, or you slept on your wrist funny, and now the only logical solution is to cut it off, it’s refreshing to see that some of the best-looking, wealthiest people on the planet have not figured it out, either.
Stars, they’re just like us!
5. Female Empowerment
I don’t know about you guys, but I can’t get enough of these notifications.
Every time I open a new tab, screen, or toilet seat, I’m hit with another headline that Our Lady of Ex-Amazon Guy has blessed yet another charity or organisation.
To think, she could be shuffling around in Paris, like Dirty Sanchez, playing dress up in her nana’s heels right now…
I don’t know. As fun as it looks to be Penis Head’s new wife in matching Shein power suits, I think redistributing his wealth would be so much better.
Your take on Heated Rivalry!!! 10/10 chef’s kiss no notes.
I have no idea who most of these people are and I like that about myself.