Five things putting in over time to matter
Desperation called, it wants all its shit back.
I thought the whole point of “making it” was so that you could morph into a Lay-Z-Boy recliner, covered in chip grease and cheeto dust, never having to wear pants or deal with people again???
If a few years in the spotlight won’t buy you a lifetime out of it—what’s the point?
Here are five things fighting harder for relevance than your aunt on Facebook during election season.
1. J Lo
Surrounded by her closest family and friends backup dancers and staff, footage from J.Lo’s annual “lookatme! lookatme!” celebration has once again “leaked” (see: signed Blu-ray copies of Gigli were sent to anyone willing to repost it.)
The spontaneous and unrehearsed video circulating on social media has many viewers acknowledging the lack of guests, calling it a low-budget spectacle. This could not be further from the truth, given that everyone in the video is paid.
Including the security guard who looks like every miserable Dad who’s ever chaperoned a ten-year-old’s birthday party at Discovery Zone.
The former Mrs. Noa, Mrs. Judd, Mrs. Anthony, Mrs. Affleck (whew, we made it to present day!!) didn’t always get to spend her birthday dancing in front of baked goods.
Some were ruined by her fat, lazy, Red Sox-loving ex-husband in his mediocre attempt to rent out L'Opéra in St Tropez. Throwing her a private party in the South of France? Fucking rude!
Shortly after divorce court, she was back on her bullshit and planning some real bangers, like her Bridgerton-themed 55th.
Nothing screams “your loss!” in your ex’s face like making everyone on payroll dress up as colonizers and having Entertainment Tonight document it.
He’s going to be in a world of regret after watching you reenact slavery with your staff.
True, some celebrities just want a night off to hide behind a costume—but J Lo doesn’t have this problem. No one has known who she is for years, or possibly ever.
I used to feel like a loser every time I took my late Memaw to bingo and had to reintroduce myself to her gang of friends, riddled with dementia. Not anymore!! Stars—they’re just like us.
While everyone else’s props are malfunctioning and falling from the ceiling, J Lo’s standing in the doorway of her Production Manager’s office, demanding, “WHY NOT MINE, GOD DAMNIT??? WHY ARE MINE WORKING!!!!”
Taking matters into her own hands, she scheduled suffered a “mishap” last week at the Warsaw stop of her “Up All Night: Live in 2025” tour.
At the end of the show, her skirt (see: some streamers tied around her waist) conveniently “fell off,” revealing her underwear, though already on display before the “accident.”
Exclaiming, “I’m out here in my underwear!!...That’s gonna be everywhere!” before flinging it into the crowd.
Forget how many times you rehearsed this, the interwebs ain’t havin it. No one’s fooled by the props that you got, Jenny from the block. Slams buzzer #NEXT.
2. Astronomer, the company that has nothing to do with astronomy.
Fun fact: It’s called Astronomer because ‘Airflow Consultants, LLC’ didn’t clear the Series A funding call. JK! I made that up—but it could be true.
The boring-ass company nobody cares about, previously led by adulterer/former CEO Andy Byron, blew their emergency casino money (a stash that all good Nanas keep) on a video featuring Gwyneth Paltrow as their “very temporary” spokesperson.
The clip is short and dumb as hell. IMO, if you haven’t seen it, don’t bother. Unrelated, here is my favorite Gwyneth courtroom look from earlier this year:
Some praised the video clip as a creative PR stunt that defused tension and garnered significant brand awareness.
Despite 99% of the population still not knowing or caring what the fuck “Apache Airflow” is, the Astronomers believe their video was a huge success! Corporate Communications Team, One, America, Zero!
Using humor to defuse fallout is a fair strategy for an appliance that only works when you unplug it. However, if your airplanes are falling apart or people in charge are fucking, it’s probably not “the move.” Mainly because it sidesteps the fact that your company is run by a bunch of morally bankrupt assholes.
Idk. The $100K-per-second they spent on Goop’s CEO putting down the vagina scented candles to momentarily be their #SickBurn mule probably would’ve been better spent on a rebrand.
“Apache Airflow” sounds like a colonoscopy offered at a luxury resort in Sedona. Slams buzzer #NEXT.
3. Scientology claims another victim
The 71-year-old religious cult is one member closer to total world domination, thanks to Jerry Maguire.
Tom Cruise’s latest side piece brings their total of 25,000 followers to a record-breaking 25,001. Meaning they can officially tell Christianity’s 2.4 billion practicing believers to suck it because this is what pulling real numbers looks like.
Despite being older than ever and having a list of exes who will gladly tell you he’s a fucking lunatic, Maguire continues his sizzling hot streak of Tom Foolery, begging the question: what size blindfold is he using, and is it the same one he used on Nicole Kidman in Eyes Wide Shut?
It’s easy to wonder what the fuck Ana’s thinking—but now is not the time for victim shaming. We don’t know what kind of sorcery Maverick is on. He could be sprinkling shit in her eggs Florentine.
This is an inside job best left to the Gemstones. Give that woman one day with Jesse, and she’ll have Leah Rimini on speed dial. Or better yet, Katie Holmes. Rumor has it she can hook you up with a good lawyer. Slams buzzer #NEXT.
4. The Masterson Supporter Shuffle
In Vegas on Saturday at the Backstreet Boys concert (I know, I know, can you believe people pay money to go to this shit?), Diddy’s BFF Ashton Kutcher and wife Mila Kunis “were caught” (see: slipped the cameraman a twenty) dancing in a way that suggested they’d just learned what music was.
Giving the same over-performance of a couple pretending to have fun in an insurance commercial, the morons got to work with their magic erasers, hoping to wipe the public’s memory clean of their unwavering support for convicted rapist Danny Masterson.
In 2023, Masterson (another Scientology fuck) was found guilty on two counts of forcible rape and sentenced to 30 years to life in prison.
During the trial, after hearing the victims’ harrowing testimony, Kutcher and Kunis submitted letters in his support, with Kutcher calling him “extraordinarily honest” and Kunis describing him as a father figure with “exceptional character.”
The letters confirmed many things. For one, that Ashton is the kind of dumb fuck who still double-spaces after a period. But I’m going to get real here for a moment, because what happened with these two assholes should never go unnoticed or be forgotten.
These letters are not neutral character references. They are calculated interventions, written with full knowledge of the charges and the testimony. Both actors knew exactly what Masterson had been convicted of. And they still went to bat for him, framing his character through their personal experiences while conveniently ignoring the reality of who he was to the women he assaulted.
It’s not just tone-deaf, it’s an abuse of platform. When you’re famous, your words carry weight, and choosing to use that weight to defend a convicted rapist is grotesque.
Everything in these letters is disturbing: the unwavering praise, the sanitized anecdotes, the casual dismissal of the victims’ suffering in favor of describing Masterson as a "role model." The entitlement in assuming they have a place in this conversation—in assuming their proximity to Masterson should influence a judge’s sentencing in a case as violent and damaging as this—is staggering. This is the mindset of people who have never had to reckon with the reality of male violence because privilege has always kept them at arm’s length from it.
They didn’t just “make a mistake.” They exposed a worldview where the comfort and reputation of a friend, even one convicted of rape, come before justice. That’s not loyalty. That’s complicity.
Don’t be distracted by the choreographed Backstreet Boys–concert bullshit; it’s all part of the same performance meant to keep the truth offstage. Slams buzzer #NEXT.
5. Katy Perry’s knee pads
Nothing in the history of everything has ever worked harder or wanted to retire more than the former Blue Origin astronauts’ knee pads.
Even the air vent in Trump’s bathroom feels bad for them. Slams buzzer #NEXT.
In memory of Bob Glickman.
Bob was the purest, most gentle soul I knew. He had a heart of gold. A friend to all, enemy to none.
Any amount of time I spent with him always left me wanting to be a better person. May every dog he’s ever loved be smothering him with kisses as I write this.
Rest easy, my friend.
RIP, Bob